For me, the saving grace of every situation is my ability to draw on the bigger picture whenever testing circumstances present themselves; to know and believe in a God who has your back, and to confidently expect either to pass each test or at the minimum, learn the lesson.
My life experiences have congealed to make me an aware citizen, conscious not just of my own environment but also that of others, and have therefore rendered me suitably equipped for my worldly habitation. I’m first a spiritual being, alive and actively participating in each of my day, ever conscious of the placement of my body, my mind, and my spirit. … I understand my good fortune in having the awareness of all that portends in my being and space, something more pronounced because of my conquering engagement with mental health challenges with which many people live unaware, ashamed, terrified, or tortured. I know how way ahead of this marauding, fumbling society I am.
For those reasons, even though I ebb to lows of dissuasion, I’m never without hope, and always grateful that I’m endowed with the wherewithal to will myself to a more spiritually elevated place and to another day in which I can inspire someone to “seize their day.”
I live conscious of the failings of people, expectant of the disappointments they bring, and like I heard Iyanla Vanzant say, tortured because “I could smell lies (and deception) a mile off” while people spout it, deaf and blind to how sulphuric our breath turns to tell a lie.
That is part of my torment, I see too much and always hear what people are not trying to tell me while they engage me, skirting the real issues. I am convinced that people really do not know the liberating benefits of being honest and open about everything. I’m equally sensitised to the success of others and I’ve realised that because there isn’t much in people that I envy, I’m able to genuinely celebrate people’s successes.
It’s important for me to write this at this juncture especially armed with the knowledge that I live in a community where people in their ignorance think that by reason of my challenges I am somehow ranked handicap in their phony hierarchy.
It’s not an easy undertaking to live in a doltish culture and it’s worse if you’ve experienced the sophistication of other societies and realise that for all the material wealth we have T&T’s poverty of spirit is embarrassing. As the old people would say, “It takes constitution” to live here.
And to live in rural Trinidad is even more taxing in a way that you cannot imagine without having the first-hand experience. Yet, as my son Jovan would always remind me, “Mum, you chose to live there; you made a calculated, conscious decision to move to Moruga.”
And I concede that I live in a notso- intellectually-stimulating environment in which you must have and know your purpose to experience any fulfilment.
And fulfilment would be the intangible, the esoteric that escape many people who wouldn’t take opportunity to live in a space like this where they can have a voice that they hear and recognise.
I live in an environment focussed on immediate survival. Here, people do not demand much neither do they demand much of each other. Knowing the culture of this place, as they say, having been born and bred here, I’ve carved out a scenario of congeniality without too much interdependence. It works for me. For those coinciding situations, I have learned to accept and appreciate the friendship and concern of those who genuinely offer it.
I have learned that regardless of what others may believe, think or exercise about you there is always someone in every community of friends, neighbours, relatives, peers, and associates who sincerely appreciates you.
In the wisdom of Patricia Thomas, my quiet and sometimes unassuming girlfriend of many years, I am a brave soul, “fortunate to have been able to slow down my life to a pace which allows me to determine which things in life are worthier than others.” It is courage that makes me talk openly about my life as a beacon of hope for others.
As my other friend Penny would say, “Here, you have to learn to not have shame because people know how to take the good you do and use it to embarrass you."
It is courage and bravery that have brought me safely to the end of 2014 which seemed a bottomless pit of challenges the half I cannot tell, some beyond comprehension, and the others clearly sent to school my obdurate skull. …. Despite that, I am goose bumped with gratitude. Happy New Year to you.