They say that raising children is the responsibility of parents but I think that we will all agree that in today’s high-tech and challenging environment, trying to raise children right requires all hands on deck. In so many homes, both parents work to make ends meet. In other homes there are single mothers, fathers, uncles, aunts, and others who have the responsibility of raising children, but they still have to earn a living. Then, we have that special group of grandparents who are drawn into the parenting responsibility by choice, and sometimes by necessity.
The necessity comes about because of the death of parents sometimes, but I have also seen grandparents step into the parenting role when there is illness or when there are dire problems (like drug and alcohol abuse) affecting the physical, emotional and/or mental health of their grandchildren. In today’s world, whether by choice or necessity, grandparents have a serious and outstanding role and we can really make a difference in the lives of our grown children, as well as our grandchildren. However, a word of caution as we progress, because at times, we mean to help and our intentions are good, but our efforts can turn out to be a disadvantage to those that we love. Sometimes, as grandparents, we think we are being helpful when we really are causing problems and even resentment.
Let me explain. I have witnessed situations where parents are forced to move in with their parents because of death, unemployment, lack of childcare, domestic violence or other problems. In these instances, many grandparents may have to help financially and this gives a great deal of perceived power to grandparents. However, this situation has to be managed very carefully because taking away the power from the real parents or undermining their role can cause serious family issues. The sad part is that in most instances, the grandparents are clueless about the seriousness of usurping the parenting role. I know that most of us keep wishing that we had that grand parenting wisdom when we were raising our children–but we had our chance! Now, I feel that the grand parenting role should be a supporting one, even when they are helping financially. We need to help, and many of us take pleasure in doing so, but our help needs to be rendered in very appropriate ways, if our help is to be valued, and not harmful to our grandchildren or to their family life.
For instance, take the situation with discipline. I know first-hand that it can be extremely difficult to standby if our grandchild is being scolded or spanked if we deem those actions to be unnecessary. I have seen grandparents openly chastise their grown children in front of their grandchildren for such actions. Then, the real parents lose credibility with their children, negative feelings develop between the grandparents and their grown children and often, between the couples. There can be great feelings of resentment especially if the grown children are dependent on their parents for money, lodging or childcare, or all three. The sad part is that as grandparents, most of these times we really mean well and because no one tells us we continue with the negative behavior and family life becomes unhappy and even dysfunctional. So, how can grandparents help without interfering?
If you feel that you cannot handle the discipline methods being practised or especially if you think, in your acquired wisdom, that your grandchildren’s well-being may be at risk, by all means, say something, but definitely not in the presence of your grandkids. I recommend that you walk away and hold your tongue until you request a meeting or find the right time when your “grands” cannot hear. Share your wisdom appropriately—and this means with respect and sincere concern—but do share your suggestions or best practices with your grown children. Try to come across as kind and not critical, so that your positive interference is helpful and not harmful. I think our grown children will appreciate us a great deal and value our help. They recognise that our intentions are good, they just want to opportunity to be parents to their own children. That’s their right as much as it is your privilege to step in if you think it is really necessary. I believe grandparenting can be a very rewarding and joyful experience but we grandparents must respect our grown children, and show value for their efforts, as we continue to find very appropriate ways to support them.
• Dr Starke is a psychotherapist/Life skills coach and OD (Organisational Development) consultant who provides workshops/seminars for employees and supervisors. Please contact her at - Thestarkereality@gmail.com or www.ctclifeskills.com.